Little things are water drops that make up a flood

 Since I'm still in the middle of transition, I feel like I don't really want to spend that much money while I'm here in Chicago and to an extension up to Vancouver and Europe. I want to start really experiencing Japan a little bit more. But we'll see what happens in the next couple of months. Saying that, I'm not perfect. I'm still doing Uber deliveries and now because I'm leaving - I'm also going out to meet some people or friends/family are coming to me and therefore, they'd like to see the city before I leave. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I have the knowledge and intention to not use my budget until I'm in Asia, or at least Europe, life is not perfect in any way and that just because I'm looking forward in the future to start living my life doesn't mean I'm not living my life at the current moment. And ignoring the current moment denies myself of being present. Still though, I just have to be more careful with how I allocate my budget now. Especially since I don't actually have a plan - I do have a budget and it seems like I have enough money for everything. It's just I guess I lean more towards the risk-adverse side or maybe, I've just been in this type of situation one too many times and I know that plans don't always stick. 

Looking forward in the future to start living what could be doesn't mean my life has less value now or that life isn't unfolding today, and my tendency to fall back on the former often means I block myself from living in the current moment 

I want to dive deeper with the reflection I made above because it's pretty important. I have a tendency to to neglect my current situation because I keep daydreaming about the future. Now, I will say that this predicament is more of a problem years ago and that I've been able to mitigate most of it especially in the last 5 years. Which is probably why I'm aware enough now to recognize that it's happening again. However especially now in this crucial time, it's absolutely useful to at least understand why I'm giving more emphasis on the future than in the present. 

I'd say that the only reason why I'll miss my life in Chicago is the space I've made for myself and my independence within it. After leaving Toronto, I've lived in furnished apartments so this is the first time I've had my own furniture to make it my own space in almost 5 years. That's pretty important considering I keep moving around so having my own stuff that represents me, and to have a daily interaction with it for a long enough time that it can establish a routine is absolutely important to me. 

Another part is after leaving Edinburgh, I was a digital nomad for almost a year and a half. While it was great to meet new friends/people, along with spending time with family and friends - especially aging relatives - I was exhausted of not having a consistent routine. So Chicago became a refuge, a safe haven where I can stay still for a long time. Heck, I was even able to stay still for so long that I caught up with so many shows and movies that I missed over the years. I was able to establish a nightly routine where I lit candles and do yoga while listening to some lo-fi music. And not just that! Things that I've put away like anime, k-dramas, and video games - basically things I hid from the world that I even watch/play because it didn't seem right to me to divulge that information with others. Also, I was able to do something I've always wanted to do like actually learn how to draw. I liked it so much that I even got a legit stand for it too. 

And to leave it all again feels disheartening. At low times, it feels like I'm throwing it all away again. Wasn't this what I was dreaming to have a few years ago? I've been saying that I want to settle down and be stable but my actions seem to contradict that notion so much that I was starting to doubt myself. I was getting insecure and thinking what if this is just a reaction or a way I self-sabotage. That everyone else seems to be able to stay still themselves and while not everyone is actually happy about it, some can at least suppress it enough to almost at least abide by that societal standards of settling in one place. And maybe by not feeling content in one place is just a trauma response.