I'm on a Sabbatical

Few More Nights As straightforward as it seems, seeing my stuff be sold bit by bit is quite painful. The whole time I kept thinking I want to find someone who would appreciate them. How they cared for me or made me feel secure. How I was able to use them to build a secure life for myself. And as I sold each one, they turn into dollar bills. And maybe that's what makes it more profound because I can touch the bills. And it's almost like - I'm converting each safety and comfort that I've built into endless possibilities. The way that I would use these USD to convert to Japanese Yen later makes me happy in a way. It's like, in a weird way - the item is giving back to me. An experience, a souvenir, whatever it might be. But it's a conversion. And I think money is like that - the energy of money that once allowed me to have a safe and secure routine will now transform itself into adventure and experience. And I'm the one giving in the emotion by using it. Through...

Hindsight is 20/20 but that's too far in the future, what tells me I did the right thing today Since my mom and sister left yesterday after helping me out with moving out, I've been pretty numb. The space has now been compromised in a way. So I guess I can leave whenever. And this fear keeps cropping up. Do I regret any of it?  And I don't know how to answer but just how can I regret leaving a situation that I'm unhappy in? You know what's so disorienting? I'm smiling and laughing in a way that I haven't heard in a very long time. And a part of me is questioning if I'm going mad, but honestly I just haven't heard a hearty laugh in a while now. Is this a sign that I'm going in the right direction? Maybe, probably Yes. But even if I'm crying and anxious, I would still say yes because I know deep down I'll take care of myself.  But it is just nice to hear myself laugh again. Truly laugh, where there's no stress or worry. Where there'...

I've been saying that I want to settle down and be stable but my actions seem to contradict that notion so much that I was starting to doubt myself. I was getting insecure and thinking what if this is just a reaction or a way I self-sabotage. That everyone else seems to be able to stay still themselves and while not everyone is actually happy about it, some can at least suppress it enough to almost at least abide by that societal standards of settling in one place. And maybe by not feeling content in one place is just a trauma response.  See, I'm not dismissing that and there can be truth to it. But at the end of the day, I just wasn't happy and I didn't see myself as content in the city. Chicago is a perfectly wonderful place but I just don't feel like it's my home. And that's okay - I gave it a shot and now I'm moving on. Could it be self-sabotaging? Well I mean what is self-sabotage? As corny as it is, if I just take Psychology Today's definition ...

 Since I'm still in the middle of transition, I feel like I don't really want to spend that much money while I'm here in Chicago and to an extension up to Vancouver and Europe. I want to start really experiencing Japan a little bit more. But we'll see what happens in the next couple of months. Saying that, I'm not perfect. I'm still doing Uber deliveries and now because I'm leaving - I'm also going out to meet some people or friends/family are coming to me and therefore, they'd like to see the city before I leave.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I have the knowledge and intention to not use my budget until I'm in Asia, or at least Europe, life is not perfect in any way and that just because I'm looking forward in the future to start living my life doesn't mean I'm not living my life at the current moment. And ignoring the current moment denies myself of being present. Still though, I just have to be more careful with...

And we're back. After trying my best to find a way to settle down, I just couldn't do it. Not here, not under these circumstances. I really wanted it to work out though. Do you know how much effort it takes to keep moving? And not just yourself, but your stuff - not just personal baggage stuff - but big things like sofa and mattresses. For the past 5 years, I feel like there's been a consistent train of it. For the first 3 years or so, it was mostly just moving myself and a few clothes/personal items from one place to another, like a city to the next. Often one country to another - sometimes one continent to another. And then the last 2, I really tried to settle down in Chicago. The first year, I was an absolute hermit. I would just stay in my place and I was content. The second year, not so much - I realized that I needed more from the city and my place. Even though I loved my space as I started to make it my own, I learned it wasn't enough after a while.  And after a ...