The rare moments and thoughts that happen because of a decision

Hindsight is 20/20 but that's too far in the future, what tells me I did the right thing today

Since my mom and sister left yesterday after helping me out with moving out, I've been pretty numb. The space has now been compromised in a way. So I guess I can leave whenever. And this fear keeps cropping up. Do I regret any of it? 

And I don't know how to answer but just how can I regret leaving a situation that I'm unhappy in? You know what's so disorienting? I'm smiling and laughing in a way that I haven't heard in a very long time. And a part of me is questioning if I'm going mad, but honestly I just haven't heard a hearty laugh in a while now. Is this a sign that I'm going in the right direction? Maybe, probably Yes. But even if I'm crying and anxious, I would still say yes because I know deep down I'll take care of myself. 

But it is just nice to hear myself laugh again. Truly laugh, where there's no stress or worry. Where there's no pressure of pull from different invisible directions. Laughing in the moment. It's quite powerful as an experience. While hindsight is 20/20 and I can't objectively tell whether I regret it or would regret the things I've sacrificed for an unknown future, I can at least say that hearing myself laugh again and feeling joy right now gives me the indication that I've done the right thing for myself. 

Removing my expression from my space to giving it to someone else

I've sold many of my furniture. Surprisingly, a lot easier than I thought it would when I realize that the people who are taking them are happy to have gotten a deal out of it. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have the extra cash, but I hated the whole process of creating a listing, marketing of it all, communicating with people, waiting for them come to the building, sometimes having to carry the furniture downstairs and waiting for that elevator that's often busy because people are moving in, and then we can finally do the exchange.

And I was even willing to just leave all of it behind so I don't worry about it all. Actually, more selfishly, I just didn't want to disturb the space that I've created that was supposed to represent my expression of myself. Honestly, I would never really have done it. At least not to the extent that I've been able to do it right now without them removing what makes my home, well me. And that helped me start selling my furniture a lot faster and to keep moving forward. 

I was so distraught about losing my sofa but I'm happy that  2 young adults from California who moved here to Chicago are taking my sofa. I saw how excited they were with their new life here and I was happy that my sofa was loved, and will be loved. Same with my desk, a big black guy who seems to be very humble was so grateful for the desk and even the black rug underneath it. He just moved to his new place and he was so excited to work from home with his mac on the desk. It was lovely to see that someone like him will take it. I'm so happy that Donald, the maintenance guy with the long dreads, is happy to take the rest including the TV console. And he expressed how grateful he was. In many ways, what I was dreading is that my stuff that made me so happy will be placed in a landfill and that would make them so lonely. and I realize how silly that sounds, but I'm happy to at least give them a shot to find the right home for them to continue making others feel at ease or at home too. 

A Rare Family Moment

I'm really grateful when my mom and sister turned up at my door and woke me up at 5:30 am so they can help me pack. I wasn't really sure if I wanted them in Chicago before that because I didn't want to pay for any ticket but my mom just made it happened. And I realized that I don't think there's been a trip where it's just the 3 of us, let alone a weekend trip. Even for just the three of us to bond, it must have been almost 4 years now. The 3 of us together in a house without everyone else would probably be since Cubao so at least 20 years? 

In some ways, this is one of the most unique experiences that I've had based on a decision I made for myself. I don't think this would have been possible unless the situation was so drastic like the way it is right now. It was great that they were here. It was a bit tough at times because I had to pay for the meals and they don't even like a lot of them. But it was enjoyable nonetheless. We were able to have laugh and bond. They were able to start packing for me and even brought a lot of the stuff from me which was a lot of help. This was especially helpful because they were able to start removing what makes my home mine, which then helps me start detaching from it too. 

For the past 5 years, I've been telling everyone "I'm Tired", and looking back, I don't think I've fully looked into what that means for me. I've been taking lots more walks lately and one of the things that came up is how I use work, career, and achievement as a way to push people away. I've always had a checklist of what seems to be the success meter in society. And as much as I provide an alternative to that and try to focus on the whole "don't worry about what others think" - I still fall for it. The saving grace is most people do, if not everyone, so it's not like a personal flaw as it's much a human condition in a flawed social system. 

Perfectionism is a mask that we wear when we're afraid of our failures. By carrying this belief over the years, I've been able to cope from childhood traumas or defend myself from judgement, real or perceived. However, there is a heavy price for it and that's maintaining and continuing to climb that ladder. Whatever that ladder means, usually it's about career but also goes with lifestyle and being able to pretty much afford anything I want to do or buy whatever I want. 

By accumulating more and more, I feel like I have more to defend myself from these invisible threats that have been established. And the more I accumulate, the heavier it became and suddenly the pressure to defend myself became more unbearable than pursuing authenticity.  

And this journey is to expose that huge vulnerability because I've used my career as the main way to 'be better'. If I can accept myself without the pretense of what it means to be 'acceptable' by being successful or self-sufficient, and love myself as-is - then I think that's a journey well-done. I'm still unsure what this means at the end of this journey, but thank God from the last time I learned from Edinburgh that - it's okay to not know, stop controlling it, and just believe. Is that always my attitude, hell no haha, not even close. But it is something I continue to lean on knowing that growth isn't always easy and that this is part of it.