Book Review: Welcome to the Hyunam-dong Bookshop & the revelations that changed my life whilst reading it
Consistent Theme of Believing in Myself
Yesterday, I read a book called 'Welcome to the Hyunam-dong Bookshop'. It's the perfect book to read for my current circumstance. A happenstance or fate. I started reading it because I couldn't sleep the last night in my apartment back in Chicago. Then I read it the whole two flights and the Toronto airport. It was one of the fewest times I'm grateful to have a stopover so I can keep reading a book. I couldn't stop it at all - each chapter had a moment that I connected with. The characters and their woes helped me understand my emotions and what I've just done myself to myself.
During that time, I wrote some notes on my phone on some revelations that went into my head:
I don't have to take a gamble on myself anymore because I've proven myself to me. So these days, I take the risk and gamble on the unknown opportunities knowing that I am the insurance. And that I can now trust that I'll always act for the betterment of myself and that I've become my own safety net.
This sentiment has been a consistent theme throughout my posts so far that a lot of the things I've done - I wouldn't be able to do if I didn't trust myself. So this is just iterating on that point that while I'm scared af, I'd still do it because one, I rather live knowing than regret; but also because I know that I'll be able to turn this for myself anyway.
I'm divorced so that means I can finally follow my dreams, fall in love and commit, etc.
The second one I've noted is:
Rather than wait until my first marriage crumbles, I've just taken the stance that I've already [been] divorced [from my first husband] and that means I can finally just focus on achieving my dreams
In some ways, it gives me courage to act when I think that I'm already divorced. Alongside leaving my job and in some way feeling like I've already 'failed' makes me feel free at this moment. That the whole judgement and fear of judgement in my head has already come to clash. That I don't have to keep up the pretense and pressure to continually succeed anymore. And that freedom can help me just follow my dreams.
Spoiler alert, one of the key things was that the main character left her 'perfect' life including her husband who hadn't technically done anything wrong to pursue her dreams - and she was having a tough time moving on thinking she's not one for relationship because of her selfishness and self-centredness.
This was such a key moment in that book for me because it gave me a glimpse of what would have happened if I settled. There's no way I can ever put something that seemingly I need to prioritize first before my dreams. The biggest and probably would be the only exception would be a child. But anything like a relationship, car, house, career, lifestyle that has been for the most part 'working' and people around me are more inclined to think is 'successful' would be put aside if it doesn't align to me.
And she felt so guilty because another character fell for her and while she has feelings back, and that made the book juicier for me. But not really where I'm going at it. Being able to give up on the idea that I need a husband for the sake of being seen as 'stable' and 'acceptable' by just thinking I've already divorced is so freeing. It's part of the statement I always tell my therapist where I want to just be divorce already so I can just follow my dream and actually fall in love when it's right and I feel true to it rather than be with someone to prove that someone can love me.
Honestly, it also frees me from all the shackles and pressure I have when it comes to first marriages. Must be my trauma, no it definitely stems back from my trauma but I find that there's so much pressure to make the first marriage work. To the point that I've seen people kill their true selves or become empty shells just to keep the doomed partnership afloat. And I guess with the notion of finally just being divorced means that there's no more pressure to keep the second marriage afloat as much as it is to just enjoy what it is and make sure to be in the moment. Learn from the previous marriage and let go of the things you can and let it be. It also means, I can just truly fall in love whilst still having boundaries and ability to love myself. Mainly because... I always assumed that second marriages mean that the person have at least reflected on themselves and learned to love and respect themselves a lot more so that they can keep that and not lose themselves in their second marriage.
I know it seems unfair to actual first marriages that are true love and are working and all that. I'm sure there's plenty of that around too. But I guess growing up and seeing more miserable people in their first marriages just made me jaded about it. And so accepting that I've already divorced funnily helps me remove the pressure of all of it and I can actually just fall in love with the next person and be with them whilst pursuing my dreams.
Yeah, the other part of it is that miserable people in their first marriages have sacrificed so much of themselves and their dreams that they're left an empty shell of who they were. So there is another unfair assumption on my part. In some way, I felt like chasing my dream of doing something I love (whatever that means - I mean honestly right now I'm trying to figure it out but let's just say starting a business) - well it would mean that dream would take away from the relationship especially when I'm more successful than him. Probably should say IF but my assumption only works on WHEN. Fair assumption? Wouldn't say so, but it doesn't stop being there so I just have to live as it is.
Which is why being divorced means that I don't have to worry about sacrificing my dream or being more successful than my second husband. Mainly because he wouldn't be my husband if he didn't support whoever I am anyway. Honestly, it's such a liberating feeling and I only really got that revelation... AND REALLY THE COURAGE during that flight whilst reading the book.
Why wait for the failure to happen, why don't I just live as if it already did so I can just focus on what makes me happy?
A List of all Lists
Another thing that came up during this flight is what if I create a list of what ifs? A list of things I like to do out of the curiosity and nothing more than that? I can succeed or not - I can try to get it or let it get me. In fact, some of the things on that list I have to leave it up to fate because I have no clue how it could happen nor do I have control on how it can be done. But I'll still put it in anyway. Doesn't matter if it doesn't happen, it'll just be there as a reference of what I want to to know about.
It's an ongoing list too. It's not something I've set today which means it can't be changed. Sometimes it's very spontaneous. Scratch that - most of the time it comes up in the moment rather than me sitting down and forcing myself to think about what I'm curious about.
This is what I have so far. I actually added it in the notes for all my revelations and I plan to make a separate page for it later but here it is:
Extra P.S
I have a confession to make. For a very very long time. Maybe more than 5 years now, I've always felt anxious when a flight attendant is about to come up with the drinks and food. I always pretend that I'm asleep or I kept rehearsing what to say to reject them or even get water. It's so strange and I can't pinpoint exactly why it developed the way it did
But today I was able to not feel the anxiety or dread of the flight attendants coming to ask for my drink preferences. I think the conscious decision to not think about my future choice or dress rehearsal helped me today.
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